If I live long enough, I will eventually have an in-person introduction to a bona fide autonomous artificial intelligence. When that happens, I’ll have to say something, and I like to plan ahead.
The possible scenarios for such a meeting are endlessly variable: it could happen while waiting in line for donuts or running for my life from mechanized hordes. The former is more likely—once self-sufficient AI becomes viable, we’ll be seeing all over, running errands and doing busy work for others.
To be clear, I don’t mean Siri or anything that can currently pop up on your phone. I don’t even mean Ross, that snooty lawyer now working as a partner for Baker and Hostelter. I don’t think (emphasis on think) true autonomous artificial intelligence quite exists yet. It has be more than a fancy program designed to respond in pre-calculated ways, and it has to be adaptable across many tasks an environments (not just chess games).
I expect an artificial intelligence that can learn and improvise and reason for itself.
It will also be something I can look in the eyes. Or eye. Or eye-shaped sensor nodule. Or relatively head-shaped appendage. Or a screen-based virtual representation of a head.
Point of clarification: I won’t say all of these ten things. I’ll say only one of them depending on the situation.
Here we go.
1) “You’re not better than me.”
This will immediately reveal that I do think the AI is better than me. But I’ll be feeling pretty inferior the first time I meet one, so this might come out.
2) “Bring me one dozen donuts.”
This command test of the ultimate usefulness of artificial intelligence while also fulfilling a deeply personal aspiration of mine.
Quantity of donuts subject to change depending on how many I’ve had that day.
3) “Please don’t kill me. I can tell you where the other humans are hiding.”
If the first artificial intelligence I meet is coming to kill me, I might give you up to save myself. I don’t plan to do this—I want to be heroic—but I’ve never been tested before.
4) “What’s your favorite movie?”
The answer will determine whether or not further conversation is warranted.
However…if the current state of data collection on personal preference is any clue, the first artificial intelligence I meet will know exactly which answer to give to make me happiest.
There is a decent chance I’ll just gape and say nothing at all. I do this with humans too.
6) “Protect me from my enemies.”
In case I’ve purchased a battle droid in a full-on dystopia. Plus, it sounds cool.
7) “Walker McKnight”
Typical voice-activation/security setup command. I’ll open the quick start guide and have to say my name to imprint the AI to me.
8) “Will you be my friend?”
Why not? Not everything has to be dystopian doom and gloom. I might decide to go all kid-in-a-1980s-scifi-movie and make an adorably innocent connection with the mysterious AI.
Friends are better than enemies, y’all.
9) Are you sure? They don’t look that bad to me.”
In this scenario, an artificial intelligence mechanic has inspected my entire car and told me two of my tires have really low tread and need replacing.
I will argue the point.
This is the most likely option. Just as I do with most humans, I’ll offer a “hey” and a brief nod, then go back to daydreaming about building a reptile zoo.
What about you? Been keeping any opening lines in your pocket for when you meet an AI? Or are you more focused on living life in the present like other normal, healthy people?
Have a weird and lovely week. Be on the lookout for my reptile zoo GoFundMe.
*I realize I failed to address the possibility that the AI will speak first, requiring me to respond instead of initiate. But I don’t want them to steal the momentum, so in these cases I’ll interrupt with something like “Shutup, no, I’m talking first, I’m the boss here…”